About Me

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A constantly curious and melancholic wanderer...

Thursday, June 16, 2016

This love of mine...

I know love... 

I was brought up in a loving home and was blessed with two extra parents and five siblings and three sets of grandparents... So I have known and experienced love in many ways (obviously not always perfect ways, but still wonderful) . 

And then I met this guy who completely blew me away.  He was not anything like the guy I expected I would marry one day and yet he is more and better than I could have ever imagined.  He has shown me unconditional love everyday since the day he told me I have magically changed his life.  And I love him so much and he is the most important person in my life. I know love.  I have love... 

But I have never felt love like this... 

A tiny little creature has captured my heart, and I have been feeling this love, this crazy-bigger-than-life-love for the past year of my life.  I didn't even know I was capable of such love until the day the doctor put him in my arms.  

It's a love that becomes bigger every day, with each new smile and little giggle and the fact that every time he sees me his face lights up.  It grows with every look into his innocent big brown eyes and every tear I wish I could stop from falling and try to kiss away.  

And it has reminded me and taught me everyday about God's love for us... 

I have loved Xander since before he was born while he was still growing inside me... God not only loved us before we were born, but knew us and designed us in our mother's wombs.  

Everyday I see how Xander develops in his own way, different than the toddlers around him - in some ways faster and other ways slower, but all in his own unique way. And I absolutely love everything about his way of exploring the world and learning about it in his own way. It brings me immense joy every time he achieves or discovers something and I love seeing the world through his eyes.  God created us to be individuals, to experience this life and to develop and grow in our own unique ways.  And as our Father, He also patiently waits for us to get to the next stage of our journey and He is there with us even though it might take us longer than it takes other people around us. He experiences great joy when we discover life the way that He planned for us to.

Even as little as he is Xander can sometimes do things that makes me angry and frustrated.  Mostly because I can see how certain things might hurt him if he doesn't stop doing it and often because I cannot always help him because he is not able to tell me his needs and sometimes just because I am so exhausted.  But God is bigger than this.  Granted, I am sure our actions also anger and frustrate Him. Often because His plans for us are so much better, and still we choose to make our own plans and end up getting hurt.  And just as I need to teach Xander that certain things are not right and sometimes need to be strict with him, God teaches us things and right and wrong and He might do this in a strict way sometimes.  And He wants us to tell Him about our needs so that He can help us and guide us.  Every thing I do with Xander and every thing I try to teach him comes from a place of unconditional love.  God has infinite more love for us and a much bigger understanding of what is right and what is wrong for us.  

To me Xander is perfect even with all his little imperfections and I know God sees me that way.  He is perfect so that I don't have to be.  

I love this boy no matter what he does and I will continue to love him even though he is probably going to hurt, disappoint and make me very angry for many years to come.  God will always love us and there is nothing we can do to make that love less or take it away.  We will continue to make mistakes over and over again and He will continue to love us.  

I fail miserably every day at this thing called motherhood, but everyday that I look at my beautiful boy and I get a smile from him, I feel like I have done something right.  And this is all thanks to God. He chose me to be Xander's mom and He trusts me with his life.  How amazing is that?  And He chooses me to be His child with all my faults and mistakes and imperfections.  

How unbelievably blessed am I...  How perfectly loved I am