Pappa

Pappa, jy's 'n berg vir my
wat staan deur wind en weer
standvastig en o! so sterk
my kalm-word-plek keer op keer

Pappa, jy's die maan vir my
die eb en vloei van ons gesin
bepaal jy tog op jou stil manier
as jy vroeg weer die nuwe dag begin

Pappa, jy's die plaas vir my
die veld, die lug, die vee
Ek voel veilig as ek aan jou dink
daar waar jy voortgaan tree vir tree

Pappa jy's 'n beeld vir my
van God se krag en sy kleur
wat telkemale my laat hoop
en oor probeer, al is ek seer


Jy bly 'n berg vir my
al voel jy soms net plat
Jy bly die maan vir my
al voel jou lig dalk dof

Jy sal altyd my plaas wees -
selfs al is die veld nie meer

Jy leer my van krag
en van aanhou
Jy leer my van die Heer

Kersfees op die Plaas

Dis Oukersdag... die opwinding is voelbaar.  Daar is iets magies in die lug.  Kersklanke speel oor die radio.  Mense lag (en is vreeslik besig).  Die kospotte klingel in die kombuis.  Die lekkerte van elke nuwe familielid wat bykom en blye gegroetery en verspotte gesprekke dra by tot die feesgevoel.  Die persente om die kersboom groei elke keer wat my nuuskierigheid te veel word en ek gaan loer. 

Dan is dit skielik donker...  En ons sit almal in die blou sitkamer.  Ouma en Oupa op hulle stoele.  Hulle hou die vrolikheid  en rumoer om hulle met 'n glimlag dop.  Ons eet gewoonlik 'n vingerete op Oukersaand.  Daar is heerlike frikadelle, tuna pasteitjies, worsies, rooi en groen uitjies en kasies op stokkies en nog baie meer.  Neef Willie skep sy derde bord kos en glimlag skaam as hy sien ons kyk vir hom.  Oupa Vennie sê Willie kan terwyl hy nou op is dan maar sy bord ook vol maak.  Ouma kyk hom met betekenisvolle oë aan, maar sê niks - dit is immers Kersfees.  Ons almal weet daar wag nog 'n heerlike soet poeding.  Ons kinders kyk na die geskenke wat vir ons wink daar van onder die Kersboom uit. Dis so moeilik om te wag...

Die gesigte rondom die boom is nou en dan verskillend, soms 'n niggie of nefie dalk ekstra.  Later 'n kind of twee se ander helfte.  Die gevoel is altyd dieselfde.  Die liefde voelbaar.  Mamma is in haar element.  Vrolik en vol grappies.  Haar kroos is by haar en die kos is gemaak en die persente toegedraai en alles is perfek.  Die liggies blink so mooi en dit laat haar dink aan die lig wat Jesus bring. Pappa kyk vir almal, lag vir sy besige vroutjie, sy hart is vol. 

Na ete word ons almal stil.  Pappa gaan haal die Bybel en lees vir ons die Kersverhaal.  Sy rustige stem vertel die storie wat ons soveel keer voorheen gehoor het, maar wat altyd vir ons elkeen so besonders bly.  Ons luister soms 'n kerslied:  "Hierdie Kind" of" "Stille Nag".  Ons bid saam.  Die heiligheid van daardie aand, soveel jare gelede, toe die grootste Geskenk aarde toe gekom het, bly by ons almal.

En dan is dit uiteindelik tyd vir geskenke uitdeel.  Daar is 'n vrolike gelag, die klank van geskenkpapier wat oopskeur, uitroepe van blydskap en 'n oor en weer gedrukkery en dankie sê.  Partykeer kry ons presies wat ons wou gehad het, ander kere dalk meer iets wat ons nodig het en soms regtig net iets wat die sak pas, maar ons almal weet dat hierdie oor meer as persente gaan. 

Dit gaan oor ons saamwees.  Die vrolikheid en vrede wat ons voel is wat Jesus vir almal wil hê.  Ons het hierdie een aand van bietjie vergeet van die dinge van die jaar wat swaar was.  Die hard werk vir min geld en swaar-dra-al aan-die-een-kant.  Die verloor van iemand spesiaals...  Die hartseer en hardheid wat so deel is van mens se daaglikse bestaan.  Die wete dat iemand siek is en jy nie hulle kan beter maak of hulle pyn kan wegvat nie. 

Kersfees op die plaas... met die vars lug, die koeie en skape se geluide in die agtergrond, omring deur my familie wat soveel anders is as baie families.  Wat hulle nie steur aan die skatte op aarde nie.  Wat soveel waarde heg aan dinge wat die res van die wêreld oor Kerstyd soms vergeet... Dit is die beste tipe Kersfees wat ek ken. 

My hart is daar vanaand...

Geseënde Kersfees my plaasfamilie.

the answer is blowing in the wind

This morning as I looked out on my balcony and saw the wind blowing playfully through the leaves, I thought about God and how I have always known that I can feel Him most when the wind is blowing...

I find the wind pretty magical.  You can't see it, yet you can see where it goes and the effects it has on everything it touches. The object can't not be touched by the wind, yet it might stand completely still like a pole, scared of the changes that might come if it allows the wind to move it.  Or like a tree or a feather or a windmill, it can let the wind do its thing and dance or twirl or spin - sometimes maybe even a bit out of control, but always guided by something Bigger.

I also love the sound of the wind as it rustles and blows and whistles all around us. One of my favourite memories of our wedding day was looking up at the huge trees we were surrounded by and hearing the almost sacred sound of the wind whispering through the tree tops.  I knew God was there, just like He was there this morning and like He is here every single day.  We can't "see" Him, but we can hear him and feel him and allow Him every day to guide us through this dance called Life.

Just listen to His gentle whispers in the wind...

Family Friday

Find your tribe, love them hard...

Happy Friday :)

clean, cleaner, cleanse...

I always have extraordinary, crazy and sometimes life-changing ideas...

Like everyday basically I am just thinking of new ideas - new ways to cook old recipes as I get bored with doing the same things.
New and fun ways to keep my children's imagination alive. New ways to do the same boring routines that will make us function more effectively.
New ways to improve the aged care society in Mauritius in a creative way that fights all the systems and red tape and bureaucracy.

More than half of these ideas don't work out and then I need to get new ideas, so the cycle continues...

One of my recent bright ideas was to have a bit of a cleanse of bad habits... I have mentioned that I am doing 40 day fast from social media.  This has been hard in some ways (#FOMO), but really rewarding in other ways (more time for blogging, photography and just living).

I felt my aura (I don't really know what this means, but like to make use of the word) was not clean enough yet and as we struggled to get back into our usual healthy(ish) eating habits, I decided a soup and juice cleanse was just the way to go to get rid of the last bits that are keeping me from reaching my full potential!!  Here are the results

Day 1:  Menu

Upon Rising:  Liver Cleansing Drink filled with Lemon and Cayenne Pepper
I am a strong and healthy woman who can do hard thinks, I think as I gulp down the lemony, peppery drink instead of my normal cup of Rooibos Tea, followed very quickly with a strong cup of black coffee...
Emotional Status:  Energetic and ready for this cleanse.

Breakfast:  Green God Smoothie (yes that is the actual name)
Looking at the green thick smoothie (and I actually love adding greens to my smoothies, but this is just soooooo green) and building up the courage to drink it.  The taste is okay.  Not bad, not good.  It definitely is not my preferred breakfast, but still going strong. 
Emotional Status:  Wondering what is next on the menu.

Mid-morning/Early afternoon:  Turmeric Teaser Soup
I am between 3 different kid activities, including a vaccination for my 1 year old and don't have time to sit and eat the soup from a bowl.  Thank goodness it is so thin, I can drink it from a glass jar, same as the juices and smoothie.  I have never drank hot soup from a glass jar.  This is so adventurous I think as the turmeric tingels my senses and I wonder what else is in this soup.  Halfway through, I have decided that I don't really like to drink thin hot soup from a glass jar, but I need to finish it now, because hunger pangs are starting to attack me. 
Emotional Status:  Slightly adventurous; slightly worried about the journey that lies ahead. 

Afternoon:  Beetroot Booster Soup
This is a slightly thicker soup, with a beautiful colour.  Again, I don't have time to sit and eat 
the soup, so it goes into another glass jar.  I start drinking the soup, reminding myself how very good these veggies are going to be for me....  I take a few more sips.  Thick hot soup in a glass jar is even less my thing than hot thin soup in a glass jar, I think as I seriously consider my ability to make any good decisions.  I don't even like soup.  I tolerate soup.  Why am I on a soup and juice detox?  Why is my head bursting with pain?  Why do I have to get all these brilliant ideas all the time????
Emotional Status:  Feeling slightly unstable

Late afternoon:  Enigma Juice
I forgot this juice at home and now have a playdate with a friend and her little girl.  I can't even see through my eyes, my head is so sore.  I am having coffee - I declare to whoever wants to know and get a black coffee to go. lt's really nice, but it doesn't help my headache or energy levels at all.  And now I have cheated on the detox already and it is day 1.  By the end of the playdate I am nauseous and light-headed.  I need food!!!  Donuts are starting to look good to me and I never eat stuff like that.  I am glaring at the kids eating their snacks, pretending it is my mouth that is busy chewing.  People need to chew.  This surely must be a basic human right.  It is actually in-humane to force people through a detox to stop chewing.  Note to self:  Read up about basic human rights and chewing.  I have to still drive home with two kids and feel like I cannot put one foot in front of another.  I get home safely and see the husband is not home yet.  And this after I send him an emergency message to tell him he needs to come home.  I am basically almost dying.  He did not even read the message yet.  And the kids are asking me for supper.  I gulp down the Enigma Juice in hope of some energy.  I still feel like shit.  I eat raw almonds and a banana and it gives me just enough strength to feed the kids and put one in the bath.  Husband arrives home.  He looks completely fine.  I would give him a death-stare, but all my muscles have stopped working.  I eat a few more nuts. 
Emotional Status:  Code Red!!

Evening:  Green Machine Soup
I cannot even try to imagine myself eating green soup after this day.  My husband bravely warms his soup and eat/drink it.  I eat a whole avocado, climb into bed, wishing I was dead.  Because there are two more days of exactly the same menu ahead of us and so definitely nothing worth living for...
Emotional Status:  Dead

Ps.  It is day 3 and I feel great. We didn't stick to it 100%, but we did do really well I think.  I don't know if these detoxes are always the greatest ideas, but I can feel my body feeling lighter and cleaner and I am definitely excited  and more motivated to just get back into normal "clean eating".
I will post my own version of a cleanse in some time, which is more do-able and less severe on the body, but still great for a kick-start to new and good eating habits.

Monday Magic

Monday magic with a princess, a dinosaur and a little lion man...

today you are you

 Today you are YOU

that is truer than true

There is no one alive 

who is Youer than You  

Dr Seuss 

 

travel photos of a musing wanderer - part 2

seeing life in black and white might mean less colour  

look at yourself or find freedom elsewhere 

will I still catch a ride in the wind even if I face the other way?

 a glimpse of hope 

 hidden wishes, fairy kisses 

travel photos of a musing wanderer - part 1

          the earth moves, even when we stand still 

secrets of innocent bystanders 

take me to the clouds above 

of memories and music 

colours creating symphonies of shadows 

 

growing sensations 

hear me roar 

being mindful

Being mindful is kind of what I had in "mind" (no pun intended) for the next 39 days of doing things a bit differently.

I did not even realise that "mindfulness" is a whole practise on its own; of being fully present and also connected with meditation.  And it is not exactly what I am thinking of in terms of being mindful, although some of the principles sounds very profound and life-changing.

I don't meditate often, but I do feel much better if I allow myself a few minutes in a day just to spend time with God, reflect and relax.  With two busy boys, this obviously does not happen very often.  So maybe I will focus on that a bit further on in the next few weeks.

For now, I just want to think a bit about what mindfulness means to me.  My recent trip to South Africa made me think a lot.  We had a great time with family and friends, I got super-tired as usual- being in survival mode for about a month, we saw beautiful places, tasted wonderful food and wines. But then we also had some intense conversations.  I was questioned and debated about a lot of things that I do and the way I see things.  I did not often have all the answers or the right arguments.  I tend to do things because it feels right and natural to me and not always because I have done tons of research on a specific topics.  Certain things just seem obvious though!  The world is overflowing with plastic; plastic in the forests, plastic in the ocean, plastic in my house and in my garbage daily.  We used to not think about it, now we are becoming more aware of it and naturally I know I need to reduce my use of plastic.  I am trying to be more mindful of the way I do things, what I buy, our wastage etc.  The same goes for eating less meat.  I am not saying that you need to become a vegetarian and I am definitely not saying that I will become one soon, but I can understand that the way things are done to animals because of mass production etc does not feel right to me.  I think I need to be mindful of that and because I know the benefits of plant-based diets and the fact that you can get a lot of good proteins from other food groups, I am very happy for our family to eat 2 to 3 vegetarian or even vegan meals a week.  And one of the last things and this is possibly the biggest thing in my mind:  is to be mindful of people that are different than you.  To try to understand things from their perspective.  To be aware of cultural differences etc,  but never let it be used to classify people or to form stereotypes or discriminate against them in any way. The list for this is long:  race, religion, age, sexual orientation, gender etc... 

Coming back to what mindfulness means to me;  I want to be more mindful of different things.  Even though I do think about some of these things I mentioned above, I am still too often not aware of things, or I am aware, but still choose not to make big differences in lifestyle yet or at other times maybe jump too quickly on the bandwagon.  In order to think about things and be more aware about things, (even the things that seem so natural and right to me), I want to know what I am talking about and understand even more the impact certain actions have.

This includes some of the following practical examples:

• being mindful that the grumpy person behind the till at the local grocery store possibly has a reason for being so grumpy 
• being mindful that other people does not always feel the same as me about things and that although I still need to speak my mind when I think they are wrong, I also need to accept it, let them grow at their own pace and not let it affect me 
• being mindful that my children sees the way we do things and that this teaches them a lot about life 
• being mindful that my 4 year old and my 1 year old cannot think the way I do and I need to really try to sometimes think the way they do in order to teach them better 
• being mindful about what is good for my body and what is not and giving myself time to listen to my body 
• being mindful of the small changes that I can make that can make a difference for our planet or the people around me 

So look around you. Be aware of the impact of your actions, whether big or small.  Pay attention.  Seek answers.  Give a little bit of yourself.  Read things that are out of your comfort zone.  Stop making excuses.  Think!  Reason!  And above all...  Love.  

just be you

“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”

Maya Angelou  

I am taking a bit of a break from social media.  I think we all need it every now and then.  Sometimes we just need a bit of time to focus again on who we are, instead of who we want to be or even who we want others to think we are.  

In yesterday's post I mentioned that my mom told me that I have to go back to my roots.  Remember the things that are important to me... 

I love reading and writing.  I used to spend about 50% of my day writing in my dairy and the other 50% with my nose in a book.  I feel like I have no time to do those things anymore, but yet I do always have some time to scroll through posts on Instagram and occasionally Facebook.  

A few years ago I went off Facebook completely for about a year and it felt so good.  I really love sharing pics on Instagram, knowing that family and friends from far away will get to see a bit of our lives.  I also just love sharing it as part of a visual dairy of my life.  I try to celebrate life by seeing the little things that is beautiful and the magical in the mundane.  But often that gets lost when I start scrolling through posts of other people and then start comparing my lives with theirs or reading memes that are funny (and basically how people deal with their emotions these days) and end up spending time on that instead of things that possibly could be better for my soul. 

So, I am giving up social media for 40 days and will try to rather write some blogposts.  The fact that no-one really reads my blog, is a good way for me to know that I am posting for the right reasons and just focusing a bit on doing things a different way.  And just saying a bit more than a picture with a caption.  We say less these days, we read less and we think less -  there is just way too much information out there and we get caught up in the way things are done in this virtual reality we confuse life with nowadays.  

So, I want to read more and write more and take photos with my camera instead of my phone and maybe post a few of those.  

Let's see how it goes :) 

Ps.  My mom-in-law send me the quote above, beautifully translated in Afrikaans.  Maybe with more time on my hands, I will get to focus more on that too.

"My wens vir jou is dat jy sal aanhou. Aanhou om te wees wie en hoe jy is om 'n gemene wêreld te verras met goeie dade.  Aanhou om toe te laat dat humor die las op jou hart verlig."

a letter from my mom

"a mother understands what a child does not say"

I have recently gone (and is still going through) a bit of a rough time.  I often struggle with burn-out as I give a lot of energy when I am with people and I keep little for myself.  This is something that has always been part of my life and especially part of my work. The same goes for when I spend time with my two children.  I like to give them energy.  I love to try and make their world magical.  And when I am tired or feeling a bit down, I feel like I can't give them what they need. 

I also struggle with negative thoughts.  I am an optimist in so many ways and really try to see the good in people.  But I really struggle to find good things about myself.  This comes with a diagnosis I guess... "Depression" which I have lived with for many years and only talk about every now and then.  I have been at a place where I have been okay with having depression.  Where I have seen it as something that allows me to have empathy with other people.  That often allows me to really help people. I have felt brave; that I get up every day and try to fight the good fight and that with a silent partner often weighing me down that no-one knows about.   I have also seen it as something that I hate living with.  A failure.  The fact that I need medicine to cope with life does not always make me look at myself in a good light. 

I feel so overwhelmed with life at the moment.  I know that it will become better again, but right now I look at everything that feels out of place and I don't know where to start to fix things.  (I am a fixer, a perfectionist in some ways, always trying to do things right or different or making big changes that will suddenly make my life perfect).  

I go into a cave into these times.  I try to hide from people until I feel a bit better, so that I can face the world again with a sunny smile and a warm hello.  I don't reach out.  I have an amazing husband that understands me and loves me and allows me to take time to feel better.  He tells me one day my children will also understand.  I don't know if this is true, but I choose to believe him.  

So when my mom kept bugging me about how things were going and I kept not wanting to talk about it, I finally send her a message.  About 10 years ago, I wrote her a letter to try and explain how it is to live with depression and why I need to sometimes do things in a different way and she really is a constant support, even though somehow I still feel she might be disappointed in me for not always coping.  

She send me back this letter that I will treasure always and want to share today: 

I am up very early and I am praying for you.  

I really want you to know your worth in Christ

He loves you and he entrusted you with the most wonderful little family 

He would not have done this if He did not know your strength

Because "when we are weak, we are actually strong" 

and it is then that His strength actually works best through us.  

Become quiet somewhere in the evenings when the boys are sleeping

Go sit at God's feet, even if it is without any words

Just quiet your heart 

"He knows the desires of your heart"

Sit on your balcony and just know that He is God

He is our Creator  and our Father and He knows you better than anybody

Focus your thoughts on Him and on all things that lead from there

Put all your negative thoughts in front of Him

Fight against those thoughts and tell yourself how much you love God 

Tell yourself how precious you are to God and to those around you and to us

Take peace in the fact that you have put in everything into your work and leave the rest to Him

He knows your heart and He knows why you want to make a change 

and He will work out all things for the good

Go back to your roots and think about that what is important to you 

Wake up with a song in your heart because you can be there for your husband and kids 

Give up something for 40 days and pray often 

Pray when you are in the shower, in the car, when you are lying down, 

while you are walking, drinking your coffee, buying groceries

God is Faithful and will never forsake you 

Don't think too much about your circumstances 

Just do and be and pray 

and enjoy all the little things in life that you can be thankful about 

Write letters to Jesus, tear it up 

Draw a circle around you when you go for a walk alone

and leave everything with Jesus when you walk out of it

Our biggest enemy are our thoughts, believe me - I know this too

You can be very proud of everything you have achieved so far 

Praise and worship God for every aspect of your life

Learn to rather give thanks before you complain 

Grab life and just live

Don't try to be so perfect in everything

Life is too short for this my child

Your life is beautiful and good 

Don't doubt yourself 

You are a success 

Everything anyway starts with knowing and serving God 

Be quiet and find peace about the things that you can do and the things you cannot

I love you and so does so many other people

Don't think people are going to care less, because you see them less often

Caring for and loving someone is bigger than that

Just know that you are loved and accept that it is true

Live from one day to the next 

Don't think too much about everything else 

I love you and all I want is to see you happy 

I never want you to loose your smile and enthusiasm for life

Just remember, you don't have to impress anybody

God is already impressed with you 

original text in Afrikaans...

Ek baie vroeg wakker en bid vir jou

wil net hê jy moet jou waarde in Christus besef

Hy het jou so lief en Hy het die wonderlikste gesinnetjie aan jou toevertrou

Hy sou nie as Hy nie geweet het wat jou krag is nie

Wanneer ons swak is, is ons eintlik sterk

Dan werk Sy krag die beste deur ons

Raak stil iewers in die aande as altwee seuntjies slaap

Al sit jy net by Sy voete sonder veel woorde

Kry net jou hart stil

Hy weet die versugting van jou hart

Gaan sit 'n rukkie op jou balkon en weet dat Hy God is

Ons Skepper en ons Vader wat jou beter verstaan as enige mens

Hy kom maak ons harte stil

Rig jou gedagtes op Hom en dit waarnatoe alles lei 

en lê alle negatiewe gedagtes voor Hom neer

Veg teen daai gedagtes en vertel Hom hoe lief jy Hom het

Sê vir jouself hoe kosbaar jy is vir die Here en vir jou mense en vir ons

Berus daarin dat jy al alles ingesit het wat jy kon met jou werk en laat alles verder oor aan Hom

Hy ken jou hart en weet hoekom jy dit wil doen en Hy sal alles ten goede laat meewerk

Gaan terug  na jou wortels en dink oor dit wat vir jou is en belangrik was

Staan op met 'n lied in jou hart omdat jy daar kan wees vir jou man en kinders

Offer iets op vir 40 dae en  bid baie

In die stort, in die kar, as jy lê, as jy loop, as jy koffie drink, as jy inkopies doen. Oral en heeltyd

Die Here is getrou en sal jou nooit in die steek laat nie

 Moenie te veel dink oor jou omstandighede nie.

Doen net en bid net en geniet elke klein dingetjie waarvoor jy dankbaar kan wees

Skryf vir Jesus briewe en skeur dit op

Trek 'n kring om jou as jy alleen gaan stap en los alles by Jesus voordat jy uitstap

Ons grootste vyand in die lewe is ons gedagte. Glo my. Ek praat uit dure ondervinding

Jy kan baie trots wees op wat jy al vermag het op jou ouderdom

Loof en prys God vir elke fasset van jou lewe

Leer om eerder dankbaarheid uit te spreek as om oor iets te kla

Gryp die lewe aan en leef en moenie alles perfek probeer kry nie

Die lewe is heeltemal te kort daarvoir my kind

Jou lewe is mooi en goed.  Moenie in jouself twyfel nie. Jy is 'n sukses!!!!

Alles begin in elk eval by die dien van die Here. 

Raak stil en kry vrede oor dit wat jy kan en ook dit wat jy nie kan nie

Ek is lief vir jou en baie ander mense

Moenie voel dat mense minder vir jou gaan omgee omdat hulle jou min sien nie

 Omgee strek verder as dit

Weet net jy is geliefd en aanvaar dat dit wel so is

 Leef net van dag tot dag en moenie te veel oor alles dink nie

Dis my hart. 

Ek is lief vir jou en wil jou net gelukkig sien en jy moet nooit jou laggie verloor nie en ook nooit jou entoesiasme vir die lewe nie. Onthou net: jy hoef niemand te beïndruk nie. Die Here is reeds beïndruk met jou. Daarom het Hy jou tot hier gebring. 

double trouble

Since I haven't posted anything about the newest addition to the family and since I want to try write a bit more often (once a week/month should be achievable right?) - here is a few pictures of:

Liam:  "The Destructor" van Zyl.

Things you need to know about Liam:

• He loves balls
• He calls most things "ball"
• He has a temper! (He's had it since birth)
• He is scary strong
• He can laugh deep from his tummy and it is the most beautiful sound in the world
• He shows affection somewhere between a hit and a hug
• He is always on the move
• We love him so much 

I have double the chaos and mess in my life now... And double the joy. xx 

hello world, this is me

"I'm a raging sea, trapped inside of a raindrop..."

 I feel more than the average person and I am always just a little overwhelmed by life. 

I feel many emotions that are good; wild happiness, true gratitude, love that can conquer it all, looking at a simple flower and thinking it is the most beautiful thing I have seen, hearing a song and wanting to dance and jump with joy. 

I see people chatting and laughing and I imagine their stories. I write stories in my mind all the time... I feel people have so much to offer. I hate that people often think certain groups of people have less to offer...  I am constantly called naive for believing in people - or just believing people. I worry that I probably am naive and that I should be more on guard for the protection of me and my loved ones. 

I see God and his goodness in so many things and find that life is beautiful in so many little and big ways.   I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and it makes me happy to be alive.

 But then I also tend to experience the darker side of life so much more intense.  

I feel like I am carrying the world’s burdens sometimes. Which is so silly, because my own burdens are probably much less than the average person’s. But I feel the sadness of the wife that said goodbye to her husband forever, the despair of the person who can never change her life situation for her or her child no matter what she does, the anxiety of the person who takes too much comfort in things that are not so good for them. I feel the earth suffering through our bad decisions and ignorance. I feel how consumerism weighs heavy on my soul. I feel myself drowning in my own fears daily. I feel myself setting standards that I never achieve. I see the internet telling me what to do and making me question whether I am ever doing something right and also whether anything is really true anymore... 

I feel myself not liking what I see when I look in the mirror or when I sometimes look in my heart. 

I am in awe at what I see in my sons' eyes when they look at me and the way my husband loves me and believes in me. I can’t breath if I think how much I might still dissapoint them. 

I hate myself for knowing the truth about God and Jesus and how much He loves me and about his grace and still not being able to trust Him fully and let go and just focus on Him, but rather keep on getting lost in worldly things. 

I know that He loves me still.

I don’t know how vulnerable I should be, so I always try to smile and continue with life. And some people never know anything more about me. Other times I share too much to a person and then I am disappointed that this doesn’t make me feel better. And sometimes I just can't hide that I am a mess and it makes me feel like I want to run away.  

I love the people in my life who cares for me and lifts me up and see me as special. I give my love to them. I drain myself trying to please them all and let them know how special they are too me. I hurt when they don’t see me or hear me or know my heart. I hurt when I fail them. I hate that I can’t be better or sometimes just believe that I am enough. Or that I give enough.  

I want to do too much, so I end up doing too little... I say yes too quickly and then burn myself out. I struggle to trust my own abilities and potential. I question every thing that I do. I feel exhausted most of the time. 

I want to change the world. But I can't even change myself and my own bad habits... 

I want to not give a damn! I want to feel less! Mostly I just want to stop thinking about everything. And I want to be satisfied with the things I do and be balanced and not a chaotic mess who can convince people that life is good even if she doesn’t always know if it really is... 

But this is me... 

And I guess I need to start somewhere to love myself. And know that I can do more when I believe that God made me perfect in my own way. And that all of these things somehow gives me the ability to love and give in a different way. 

So for now, I will continue to be a mess. Overanalyzing everything. Setting too high standards. Trying too hard. But I am going to try just being a bit less hard on myself for it! Maybe try to figure this mess out. 

  

Or maybe just learn how to be okay with it...