I have recently gone (and is still going through) a bit of a rough time. I often struggle with burn-out as I give a lot of energy when I am with people and I keep little for myself. This is something that has always been part of my life and especially part of my work. The same goes for when I spend time with my two children. I like to give them energy. I love to try and make their world magical. And when I am tired or feeling a bit down, I feel like I can't give them what they need.
I also struggle with negative thoughts. I am an optimist in so many ways and really try to see the good in people. But I really struggle to find good things about myself. This comes with a diagnosis I guess... "Depression" which I have lived with for many years and only talk about every now and then. I have been at a place where I have been okay with having depression. Where I have seen it as something that allows me to have empathy with other people. That often allows me to really help people. I have felt brave; that I get up every day and try to fight the good fight and that with a silent partner often weighing me down that no-one knows about. I have also seen it as something that I hate living with. A failure. The fact that I need medicine to cope with life does not always make me look at myself in a good light.
I feel so overwhelmed with life at the moment. I know that it will become better again, but right now I look at everything that feels out of place and I don't know where to start to fix things. (I am a fixer, a perfectionist in some ways, always trying to do things right or different or making big changes that will suddenly make my life perfect).
I go into a cave into these times. I try to hide from people until I feel a bit better, so that I can face the world again with a sunny smile and a warm hello. I don't reach out. I have an amazing husband that understands me and loves me and allows me to take time to feel better. He tells me one day my children will also understand. I don't know if this is true, but I choose to believe him.
So when my mom kept bugging me about how things were going and I kept not wanting to talk about it, I finally send her a message. About 10 years ago, I wrote her a letter to try and explain how it is to live with depression and why I need to sometimes do things in a different way and she really is a constant support, even though somehow I still feel she might be disappointed in me for not always coping.
She send me back this letter that I will treasure always and want to share today:
I am up very early and I am praying for you.
I really want you to know your worth in Christ
He loves you and he entrusted you with the most wonderful little family
He would not have done this if He did not know your strength
Because "when we are weak, we are actually strong"
and it is then that His strength actually works best through us.
Become quiet somewhere in the evenings when the boys are sleeping
Go sit at God's feet, even if it is without any words
Just quiet your heart
"He knows the desires of your heart"
Sit on your balcony and just know that He is God
He is our Creator and our Father and He knows you better than anybody
Focus your thoughts on Him and on all things that lead from there
Put all your negative thoughts in front of Him
Fight against those thoughts and tell yourself how much you love God
Tell yourself how precious you are to God and to those around you and to us
Take peace in the fact that you have put in everything into your work and leave the rest to Him
He knows your heart and He knows why you want to make a change
and He will work out all things for the good
Go back to your roots and think about that what is important to you
Wake up with a song in your heart because you can be there for your husband and kids
Give up something for 40 days and pray often
Pray when you are in the shower, in the car, when you are lying down,
while you are walking, drinking your coffee, buying groceries
God is Faithful and will never forsake you
Don't think too much about your circumstances
Just do and be and pray
and enjoy all the little things in life that you can be thankful about
Write letters to Jesus, tear it up
Draw a circle around you when you go for a walk alone
and leave everything with Jesus when you walk out of it
Our biggest enemy are our thoughts, believe me - I know this too
You can be very proud of everything you have achieved so far
Praise and worship God for every aspect of your life
Learn to rather give thanks before you complain
Grab life and just live
Don't try to be so perfect in everything
Life is too short for this my child
Your life is beautiful and good
Don't doubt yourself
You are a success
Everything anyway starts with knowing and serving God
Be quiet and find peace about the things that you can do and the things you cannot
I love you and so does so many other people
Don't think people are going to care less, because you see them less often
Caring for and loving someone is bigger than that
Just know that you are loved and accept that it is true
Live from one day to the next
Don't think too much about everything else
I love you and all I want is to see you happy
I never want you to loose your smile and enthusiasm for life
Just remember, you don't have to impress anybody
God is already impressed with you
original text in Afrikaans...
Ek baie vroeg wakker en bid vir jou
wil net hê jy moet jou waarde in Christus besef
Hy het jou so lief en Hy het die wonderlikste gesinnetjie aan jou toevertrou
Hy sou nie as Hy nie geweet het wat jou krag is nie
Wanneer ons swak is, is ons eintlik sterk
Dan werk Sy krag die beste deur ons
Raak stil iewers in die aande as altwee seuntjies slaap
Al sit jy net by Sy voete sonder veel woorde
Kry net jou hart stil
Hy weet die versugting van jou hart
Gaan sit 'n rukkie op jou balkon en weet dat Hy God is
Ons Skepper en ons Vader wat jou beter verstaan as enige mens
Hy kom maak ons harte stil
Rig jou gedagtes op Hom en dit waarnatoe alles lei
en lê alle negatiewe gedagtes voor Hom neer
Veg teen daai gedagtes en vertel Hom hoe lief jy Hom het
Sê vir jouself hoe kosbaar jy is vir die Here en vir jou mense en vir ons
Berus daarin dat jy al alles ingesit het wat jy kon met jou werk en laat alles verder oor aan Hom
Hy ken jou hart en weet hoekom jy dit wil doen en Hy sal alles ten goede laat meewerk
Gaan terug na jou wortels en dink oor dit wat vir jou is en belangrik was
Staan op met 'n lied in jou hart omdat jy daar kan wees vir jou man en kinders
Offer iets op vir 40 dae en bid baie
In die stort, in die kar, as jy lê, as jy loop, as jy koffie drink, as jy inkopies doen. Oral en heeltyd
Die Here is getrou en sal jou nooit in die steek laat nie
Moenie te veel dink oor jou omstandighede nie.
Doen net en bid net en geniet elke klein dingetjie waarvoor jy dankbaar kan wees
Skryf vir Jesus briewe en skeur dit op
Trek 'n kring om jou as jy alleen gaan stap en los alles by Jesus voordat jy uitstap
Ons grootste vyand in die lewe is ons gedagte. Glo my. Ek praat uit dure ondervinding
Jy kan baie trots wees op wat jy al vermag het op jou ouderdom
Loof en prys God vir elke fasset van jou lewe
Leer om eerder dankbaarheid uit te spreek as om oor iets te kla
Gryp die lewe aan en leef en moenie alles perfek probeer kry nie
Die lewe is heeltemal te kort daarvoir my kind
Jou lewe is mooi en goed. Moenie in jouself twyfel nie. Jy is 'n sukses!!!!
Alles begin in elk eval by die dien van die Here.
Raak stil en kry vrede oor dit wat jy kan en ook dit wat jy nie kan nie
Ek is lief vir jou en baie ander mense
Moenie voel dat mense minder vir jou gaan omgee omdat hulle jou min sien nie
Omgee strek verder as dit
Weet net jy is geliefd en aanvaar dat dit wel so is
Leef net van dag tot dag en moenie te veel oor alles dink nie
Dis my hart.
Ek is lief vir jou en wil jou net gelukkig sien en jy moet nooit jou laggie verloor nie en ook nooit jou entoesiasme vir die lewe nie. Onthou net: jy hoef niemand te beïndruk nie. Die Here is reeds beïndruk met jou. Daarom het Hy jou tot hier gebring.
That is a letter, and a message to treasure, from a weird, wacky and glorious lady. Please tell her - with my compliments, she has won the internet for today.
ReplyDeleteJust so you know, you are all the inspiration I ever needed.
ReplyDelete"There is no love of life, without despair of life" wrote Albert Camus. This nightmarish duality is part of our fabric. In some ways it drives, and gives meaning to our being. That in the darkest of times, there can be luminous hope.
Your insistence to give of yourself to those around you – your energy, your love, your time – and your empathy with their sorrows and joys (in some regards the very best of you) opens you up to the darkness and burnout.
But herein lies true beauty, and much of the inspiration I draw from you: That no matter the gloom and hurt you experience, at the next occasion to give yourself, you never shy away, but give completely and rather allow yourself to be fully engulfed. The selflessness and light emanating from you has been enough to sustain my existence. And it is the ultimate lighthouse for our children.
Ek love hoe jy die wêreld en my sien :)
DeleteWow- this was truly an inspiring blog to read. How blessed you are with such an incredible mother!!!! I loved this letter from her and it even inspires me to just let go and let God. Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate and raw connection between yourself and your mother. God bless and good nite. Amen!!!
ReplyDeleteDankie Lirene. Ek waardeer dit. My ma is baie spesiaal en bid vir my selfs in die tye wat ek nie kan nie. En ons almal kort dit om net partykeer te "Let Go" .
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