hello world, this is me

"I'm a raging sea, trapped inside of a raindrop..."

 I feel more than the average person and I am always just a little overwhelmed by life. 

I feel many emotions that are good; wild happiness, true gratitude, love that can conquer it all, looking at a simple flower and thinking it is the most beautiful thing I have seen, hearing a song and wanting to dance and jump with joy. 

I see people chatting and laughing and I imagine their stories. I write stories in my mind all the time... I feel people have so much to offer. I hate that people often think certain groups of people have less to offer...  I am constantly called naive for believing in people - or just believing people. I worry that I probably am naive and that I should be more on guard for the protection of me and my loved ones. 

I see God and his goodness in so many things and find that life is beautiful in so many little and big ways.   I feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and it makes me happy to be alive.

 But then I also tend to experience the darker side of life so much more intense.  

I feel like I am carrying the world’s burdens sometimes. Which is so silly, because my own burdens are probably much less than the average person’s. But I feel the sadness of the wife that said goodbye to her husband forever, the despair of the person who can never change her life situation for her or her child no matter what she does, the anxiety of the person who takes too much comfort in things that are not so good for them. I feel the earth suffering through our bad decisions and ignorance. I feel how consumerism weighs heavy on my soul. I feel myself drowning in my own fears daily. I feel myself setting standards that I never achieve. I see the internet telling me what to do and making me question whether I am ever doing something right and also whether anything is really true anymore... 

I feel myself not liking what I see when I look in the mirror or when I sometimes look in my heart. 

I am in awe at what I see in my sons' eyes when they look at me and the way my husband loves me and believes in me. I can’t breath if I think how much I might still dissapoint them. 

I hate myself for knowing the truth about God and Jesus and how much He loves me and about his grace and still not being able to trust Him fully and let go and just focus on Him, but rather keep on getting lost in worldly things. 

I know that He loves me still.

I don’t know how vulnerable I should be, so I always try to smile and continue with life. And some people never know anything more about me. Other times I share too much to a person and then I am disappointed that this doesn’t make me feel better. And sometimes I just can't hide that I am a mess and it makes me feel like I want to run away.  

I love the people in my life who cares for me and lifts me up and see me as special. I give my love to them. I drain myself trying to please them all and let them know how special they are too me. I hurt when they don’t see me or hear me or know my heart. I hurt when I fail them. I hate that I can’t be better or sometimes just believe that I am enough. Or that I give enough.  

I want to do too much, so I end up doing too little... I say yes too quickly and then burn myself out. I struggle to trust my own abilities and potential. I question every thing that I do. I feel exhausted most of the time. 

I want to change the world. But I can't even change myself and my own bad habits... 

I want to not give a damn! I want to feel less! Mostly I just want to stop thinking about everything. And I want to be satisfied with the things I do and be balanced and not a chaotic mess who can convince people that life is good even if she doesn’t always know if it really is... 

But this is me... 

And I guess I need to start somewhere to love myself. And know that I can do more when I believe that God made me perfect in my own way. And that all of these things somehow gives me the ability to love and give in a different way. 

So for now, I will continue to be a mess. Overanalyzing everything. Setting too high standards. Trying too hard. But I am going to try just being a bit less hard on myself for it! Maybe try to figure this mess out. 

  

Or maybe just learn how to be okay with it...