Finding inspiration...

The other night my husband and I were talking about people who inspire us (occasionally we talk about things other than our toddler). I loved my husband's answers and I love that we can still surprise each other, even though we know one other so well. But our conversation made me want to write a tribute to a special lady.  

Obviously the normal names came to my mind... Martin Luther Jr King for his ability to lead (especially after watching Selma recently), Nelson Mandela for his ability to forgive, my mom for her ability to love and Jesus for His love, grace, and changing the world.  But then I thought of someone else who has been an inspiration to me.  She is not known by many people and she never will be, but I think she is an inspirational woman and she touches our family's lives in many ways.

Sunita first came to our house about 3 years ago.  I just had an interview with another cleaning lady with really strict eyes and I was supposed to talk to her about her salary (which I am horrible at), and she convinced me what I was offering (more than the recommended salary) was not good enough for her.  I was about to give in and offer her more money because somehow I always feel guilty about everything (like being more fortunate than some people and actually being able to have someone who can help me clean), but my husband kindly reminded me that we had agreed on the salary for a reason.  Then I met Sunita and I immediately knew she was the right person.  She had such kind eyes and she was so happy to find someone to work for as she has been struggling for a while to get a job. 

So for the past three years I have gotten to know this remarkable woman.  Someone who is so much less fortunate than me but always comes to work with a beautiful smile, caring about what is going on in my life, worrying if I look tired, or if I am eating enough, always asking how each and every member of my (very large) family is doing, and since a year ago always ecstatically happy to see Xander and singing to him and chatting to him as if he is the only person in the room. 

She has so little and yet once a week she brings something for us, from her garden or that she found at the market and that she knows Xander will enjoy.  She buys little gifts for my family when they come and visit and she loves to surprise me and my husband with a thoughtful gift for Christmas, or just because.  

I know her life is not easy, and she has shared some of her problems with me and I have seen her tears.  But never once has it effected her joyful nature at work, her (almost too loud) singing, which Xander loves and how she cares about me and Jaco and wanting to help us in any way possible.  

She cleans our home and she helps me take care of my little boy every now and then, and she is so proud of her work and she does it to the best of her abilities.  Her skills might not be valued enough in this screwed up world and its estimation of success and rankings of people.  But to me she is a real inspiration of someone who is making the most of the life God has given to her, who can stay joyful no matter what the circumstances are and who always put others' needs in front of her own.  

I hope to be more like her when I grow up... 

This love of mine...

I know love... 

I was brought up in a loving home and was blessed with two extra parents and five siblings and three sets of grandparents... So I have known and experienced love in many ways (obviously not always perfect ways, but still wonderful) . 

And then I met this guy who completely blew me away.  He was not anything like the guy I expected I would marry one day and yet he is more and better than I could have ever imagined.  He has shown me unconditional love everyday since the day he told me I have magically changed his life.  And I love him so much and he is the most important person in my life. I know love.  I have love... 

But I have never felt love like this... 

A tiny little creature has captured my heart, and I have been feeling this love, this crazy-bigger-than-life-love for the past year of my life.  I didn't even know I was capable of such love until the day the doctor put him in my arms.  

It's a love that becomes bigger every day, with each new smile and little giggle and the fact that every time he sees me his face lights up.  It grows with every look into his innocent big brown eyes and every tear I wish I could stop from falling and try to kiss away.  

And it has reminded me and taught me everyday about God's love for us... 

I have loved Xander since before he was born while he was still growing inside me... God not only loved us before we were born, but knew us and designed us in our mother's wombs.  

Everyday I see how Xander develops in his own way, different than the toddlers around him - in some ways faster and other ways slower, but all in his own unique way. And I absolutely love everything about his way of exploring the world and learning about it in his own way. It brings me immense joy every time he achieves or discovers something and I love seeing the world through his eyes.  God created us to be individuals, to experience this life and to develop and grow in our own unique ways.  And as our Father, He also patiently waits for us to get to the next stage of our journey and He is there with us even though it might take us longer than it takes other people around us. He experiences great joy when we discover life the way that He planned for us to.

Even as little as he is Xander can sometimes do things that makes me angry and frustrated.  Mostly because I can see how certain things might hurt him if he doesn't stop doing it and often because I cannot always help him because he is not able to tell me his needs and sometimes just because I am so exhausted.  But God is bigger than this.  Granted, I am sure our actions also anger and frustrate Him. Often because His plans for us are so much better, and still we choose to make our own plans and end up getting hurt.  And just as I need to teach Xander that certain things are not right and sometimes need to be strict with him, God teaches us things and right and wrong and He might do this in a strict way sometimes.  And He wants us to tell Him about our needs so that He can help us and guide us.  Every thing I do with Xander and every thing I try to teach him comes from a place of unconditional love.  God has infinite more love for us and a much bigger understanding of what is right and what is wrong for us.  

To me Xander is perfect even with all his little imperfections and I know God sees me that way.  He is perfect so that I don't have to be.  

I love this boy no matter what he does and I will continue to love him even though he is probably going to hurt, disappoint and make me very angry for many years to come.  God will always love us and there is nothing we can do to make that love less or take it away.  We will continue to make mistakes over and over again and He will continue to love us.  

I fail miserably every day at this thing called motherhood, but everyday that I look at my beautiful boy and I get a smile from him, I feel like I have done something right.  And this is all thanks to God. He chose me to be Xander's mom and He trusts me with his life.  How amazing is that?  And He chooses me to be His child with all my faults and mistakes and imperfections.  

How unbelievably blessed am I...  How perfectly loved I am  

Psalm 139

U het my binneste wese geskep

- my voel en my verstaan –

My aanmekaar gelap met U hande,

elke blokkie op sy plek

U het my so spesiaal gemaak

- soos net U dit kon doen –

Die wonder van U werke

omvou my dag na dag

Voor my bestaan

het U van my geweet

U het die stippeltjie ek gesien

lank voor my begin

My storie is reeds geskryf O God,

U Ink vloei deur my lewe…

Elke dag `n nuwe bladsy

Elke oomblik `n begin

Psalm 139: 13 – 16