being mindful

Being mindful is kind of what I had in "mind" (no pun intended) for the next 39 days of doing things a bit differently.

I did not even realise that "mindfulness" is a whole practise on its own; of being fully present and also connected with meditation.  And it is not exactly what I am thinking of in terms of being mindful, although some of the principles sounds very profound and life-changing.

I don't meditate often, but I do feel much better if I allow myself a few minutes in a day just to spend time with God, reflect and relax.  With two busy boys, this obviously does not happen very often.  So maybe I will focus on that a bit further on in the next few weeks.

For now, I just want to think a bit about what mindfulness means to me.  My recent trip to South Africa made me think a lot.  We had a great time with family and friends, I got super-tired as usual- being in survival mode for about a month, we saw beautiful places, tasted wonderful food and wines. But then we also had some intense conversations.  I was questioned and debated about a lot of things that I do and the way I see things.  I did not often have all the answers or the right arguments.  I tend to do things because it feels right and natural to me and not always because I have done tons of research on a specific topics.  Certain things just seem obvious though!  The world is overflowing with plastic; plastic in the forests, plastic in the ocean, plastic in my house and in my garbage daily.  We used to not think about it, now we are becoming more aware of it and naturally I know I need to reduce my use of plastic.  I am trying to be more mindful of the way I do things, what I buy, our wastage etc.  The same goes for eating less meat.  I am not saying that you need to become a vegetarian and I am definitely not saying that I will become one soon, but I can understand that the way things are done to animals because of mass production etc does not feel right to me.  I think I need to be mindful of that and because I know the benefits of plant-based diets and the fact that you can get a lot of good proteins from other food groups, I am very happy for our family to eat 2 to 3 vegetarian or even vegan meals a week.  And one of the last things and this is possibly the biggest thing in my mind:  is to be mindful of people that are different than you.  To try to understand things from their perspective.  To be aware of cultural differences etc,  but never let it be used to classify people or to form stereotypes or discriminate against them in any way. The list for this is long:  race, religion, age, sexual orientation, gender etc... 

Coming back to what mindfulness means to me;  I want to be more mindful of different things.  Even though I do think about some of these things I mentioned above, I am still too often not aware of things, or I am aware, but still choose not to make big differences in lifestyle yet or at other times maybe jump too quickly on the bandwagon.  In order to think about things and be more aware about things, (even the things that seem so natural and right to me), I want to know what I am talking about and understand even more the impact certain actions have.

This includes some of the following practical examples:

• being mindful that the grumpy person behind the till at the local grocery store possibly has a reason for being so grumpy 
• being mindful that other people does not always feel the same as me about things and that although I still need to speak my mind when I think they are wrong, I also need to accept it, let them grow at their own pace and not let it affect me 
• being mindful that my children sees the way we do things and that this teaches them a lot about life 
• being mindful that my 4 year old and my 1 year old cannot think the way I do and I need to really try to sometimes think the way they do in order to teach them better 
• being mindful about what is good for my body and what is not and giving myself time to listen to my body 
• being mindful of the small changes that I can make that can make a difference for our planet or the people around me 

So look around you. Be aware of the impact of your actions, whether big or small.  Pay attention.  Seek answers.  Give a little bit of yourself.  Read things that are out of your comfort zone.  Stop making excuses.  Think!  Reason!  And above all...  Love.  

just be you

“My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”

Maya Angelou  

I am taking a bit of a break from social media.  I think we all need it every now and then.  Sometimes we just need a bit of time to focus again on who we are, instead of who we want to be or even who we want others to think we are.  

In yesterday's post I mentioned that my mom told me that I have to go back to my roots.  Remember the things that are important to me... 

I love reading and writing.  I used to spend about 50% of my day writing in my dairy and the other 50% with my nose in a book.  I feel like I have no time to do those things anymore, but yet I do always have some time to scroll through posts on Instagram and occasionally Facebook.  

A few years ago I went off Facebook completely for about a year and it felt so good.  I really love sharing pics on Instagram, knowing that family and friends from far away will get to see a bit of our lives.  I also just love sharing it as part of a visual dairy of my life.  I try to celebrate life by seeing the little things that is beautiful and the magical in the mundane.  But often that gets lost when I start scrolling through posts of other people and then start comparing my lives with theirs or reading memes that are funny (and basically how people deal with their emotions these days) and end up spending time on that instead of things that possibly could be better for my soul. 

So, I am giving up social media for 40 days and will try to rather write some blogposts.  The fact that no-one really reads my blog, is a good way for me to know that I am posting for the right reasons and just focusing a bit on doing things a different way.  And just saying a bit more than a picture with a caption.  We say less these days, we read less and we think less -  there is just way too much information out there and we get caught up in the way things are done in this virtual reality we confuse life with nowadays.  

So, I want to read more and write more and take photos with my camera instead of my phone and maybe post a few of those.  

Let's see how it goes :) 

Ps.  My mom-in-law send me the quote above, beautifully translated in Afrikaans.  Maybe with more time on my hands, I will get to focus more on that too.

"My wens vir jou is dat jy sal aanhou. Aanhou om te wees wie en hoe jy is om 'n gemene wêreld te verras met goeie dade.  Aanhou om toe te laat dat humor die las op jou hart verlig."

a letter from my mom

"a mother understands what a child does not say"

I have recently gone (and is still going through) a bit of a rough time.  I often struggle with burn-out as I give a lot of energy when I am with people and I keep little for myself.  This is something that has always been part of my life and especially part of my work. The same goes for when I spend time with my two children.  I like to give them energy.  I love to try and make their world magical.  And when I am tired or feeling a bit down, I feel like I can't give them what they need. 

I also struggle with negative thoughts.  I am an optimist in so many ways and really try to see the good in people.  But I really struggle to find good things about myself.  This comes with a diagnosis I guess... "Depression" which I have lived with for many years and only talk about every now and then.  I have been at a place where I have been okay with having depression.  Where I have seen it as something that allows me to have empathy with other people.  That often allows me to really help people. I have felt brave; that I get up every day and try to fight the good fight and that with a silent partner often weighing me down that no-one knows about.   I have also seen it as something that I hate living with.  A failure.  The fact that I need medicine to cope with life does not always make me look at myself in a good light. 

I feel so overwhelmed with life at the moment.  I know that it will become better again, but right now I look at everything that feels out of place and I don't know where to start to fix things.  (I am a fixer, a perfectionist in some ways, always trying to do things right or different or making big changes that will suddenly make my life perfect).  

I go into a cave into these times.  I try to hide from people until I feel a bit better, so that I can face the world again with a sunny smile and a warm hello.  I don't reach out.  I have an amazing husband that understands me and loves me and allows me to take time to feel better.  He tells me one day my children will also understand.  I don't know if this is true, but I choose to believe him.  

So when my mom kept bugging me about how things were going and I kept not wanting to talk about it, I finally send her a message.  About 10 years ago, I wrote her a letter to try and explain how it is to live with depression and why I need to sometimes do things in a different way and she really is a constant support, even though somehow I still feel she might be disappointed in me for not always coping.  

She send me back this letter that I will treasure always and want to share today: 

I am up very early and I am praying for you.  

I really want you to know your worth in Christ

He loves you and he entrusted you with the most wonderful little family 

He would not have done this if He did not know your strength

Because "when we are weak, we are actually strong" 

and it is then that His strength actually works best through us.  

Become quiet somewhere in the evenings when the boys are sleeping

Go sit at God's feet, even if it is without any words

Just quiet your heart 

"He knows the desires of your heart"

Sit on your balcony and just know that He is God

He is our Creator  and our Father and He knows you better than anybody

Focus your thoughts on Him and on all things that lead from there

Put all your negative thoughts in front of Him

Fight against those thoughts and tell yourself how much you love God 

Tell yourself how precious you are to God and to those around you and to us

Take peace in the fact that you have put in everything into your work and leave the rest to Him

He knows your heart and He knows why you want to make a change 

and He will work out all things for the good

Go back to your roots and think about that what is important to you 

Wake up with a song in your heart because you can be there for your husband and kids 

Give up something for 40 days and pray often 

Pray when you are in the shower, in the car, when you are lying down, 

while you are walking, drinking your coffee, buying groceries

God is Faithful and will never forsake you 

Don't think too much about your circumstances 

Just do and be and pray 

and enjoy all the little things in life that you can be thankful about 

Write letters to Jesus, tear it up 

Draw a circle around you when you go for a walk alone

and leave everything with Jesus when you walk out of it

Our biggest enemy are our thoughts, believe me - I know this too

You can be very proud of everything you have achieved so far 

Praise and worship God for every aspect of your life

Learn to rather give thanks before you complain 

Grab life and just live

Don't try to be so perfect in everything

Life is too short for this my child

Your life is beautiful and good 

Don't doubt yourself 

You are a success 

Everything anyway starts with knowing and serving God 

Be quiet and find peace about the things that you can do and the things you cannot

I love you and so does so many other people

Don't think people are going to care less, because you see them less often

Caring for and loving someone is bigger than that

Just know that you are loved and accept that it is true

Live from one day to the next 

Don't think too much about everything else 

I love you and all I want is to see you happy 

I never want you to loose your smile and enthusiasm for life

Just remember, you don't have to impress anybody

God is already impressed with you 

original text in Afrikaans...

Ek baie vroeg wakker en bid vir jou

wil net hê jy moet jou waarde in Christus besef

Hy het jou so lief en Hy het die wonderlikste gesinnetjie aan jou toevertrou

Hy sou nie as Hy nie geweet het wat jou krag is nie

Wanneer ons swak is, is ons eintlik sterk

Dan werk Sy krag die beste deur ons

Raak stil iewers in die aande as altwee seuntjies slaap

Al sit jy net by Sy voete sonder veel woorde

Kry net jou hart stil

Hy weet die versugting van jou hart

Gaan sit 'n rukkie op jou balkon en weet dat Hy God is

Ons Skepper en ons Vader wat jou beter verstaan as enige mens

Hy kom maak ons harte stil

Rig jou gedagtes op Hom en dit waarnatoe alles lei 

en lê alle negatiewe gedagtes voor Hom neer

Veg teen daai gedagtes en vertel Hom hoe lief jy Hom het

Sê vir jouself hoe kosbaar jy is vir die Here en vir jou mense en vir ons

Berus daarin dat jy al alles ingesit het wat jy kon met jou werk en laat alles verder oor aan Hom

Hy ken jou hart en weet hoekom jy dit wil doen en Hy sal alles ten goede laat meewerk

Gaan terug  na jou wortels en dink oor dit wat vir jou is en belangrik was

Staan op met 'n lied in jou hart omdat jy daar kan wees vir jou man en kinders

Offer iets op vir 40 dae en  bid baie

In die stort, in die kar, as jy lê, as jy loop, as jy koffie drink, as jy inkopies doen. Oral en heeltyd

Die Here is getrou en sal jou nooit in die steek laat nie

 Moenie te veel dink oor jou omstandighede nie.

Doen net en bid net en geniet elke klein dingetjie waarvoor jy dankbaar kan wees

Skryf vir Jesus briewe en skeur dit op

Trek 'n kring om jou as jy alleen gaan stap en los alles by Jesus voordat jy uitstap

Ons grootste vyand in die lewe is ons gedagte. Glo my. Ek praat uit dure ondervinding

Jy kan baie trots wees op wat jy al vermag het op jou ouderdom

Loof en prys God vir elke fasset van jou lewe

Leer om eerder dankbaarheid uit te spreek as om oor iets te kla

Gryp die lewe aan en leef en moenie alles perfek probeer kry nie

Die lewe is heeltemal te kort daarvoir my kind

Jou lewe is mooi en goed.  Moenie in jouself twyfel nie. Jy is 'n sukses!!!!

Alles begin in elk eval by die dien van die Here. 

Raak stil en kry vrede oor dit wat jy kan en ook dit wat jy nie kan nie

Ek is lief vir jou en baie ander mense

Moenie voel dat mense minder vir jou gaan omgee omdat hulle jou min sien nie

 Omgee strek verder as dit

Weet net jy is geliefd en aanvaar dat dit wel so is

 Leef net van dag tot dag en moenie te veel oor alles dink nie

Dis my hart. 

Ek is lief vir jou en wil jou net gelukkig sien en jy moet nooit jou laggie verloor nie en ook nooit jou entoesiasme vir die lewe nie. Onthou net: jy hoef niemand te beïndruk nie. Die Here is reeds beïndruk met jou. Daarom het Hy jou tot hier gebring.